Memories of the past that are difficult to erase

In a journey of life, travel becomes fun when you have companionship. You feel blessed to be in a driver’s seat with your family; dad sitting next to you while your mother and spouse on the back seat along with the kids. The clear blue sky with a bright sun enlightens your life while the cool breeze blowing refreshes your thoughts. The Kishore and Lata songs on the music system bring memories of the past. The destination is still far and you need to take a short break to recharge.

It is during one of these drives that your car breaks down and the journey comes to a temporary halt. You lose the companionship of a loved one and the journey from now onwards becomes a bit difficult. It can be one of your parents or even a sibling or a close family member. Life will never be the same again without them. The vacant seat in your car reminds you of the missing person and memories of the past make things difficult for you.

The unexpected moment in life

There comes a time in life when destiny decides to take away a close and beloved member of your family. The departure is sudden and you are not prepared to face the situation. The day the unfortunate incident happens you are out of words to express your grief. On one hand, being the family anchor, the responsibility of informing all the near and dear ones fall on your shoulder. On the other hand, you have to be strong to take care of others in the family especially the elders.

Condolence message pours in from family and friends. Some are there in person to express grief while some decide to wait for the prayer meeting to show solidarity with the family in their moment of grief.

The 1^st week is the most difficult time as you still have not come to terms with reality. The mind refuses to believe that the person is not there anymore. It seems that he or she will just walk back after being out for some time. As days pass friends and relatives who have come to visit from outstation leave one by one. Finally its time for you and the family members to get back in rhythm. However, in the absence of one of the favourite beats its difficult to get the rhythm back and the music doesn’t sound the same again.

In our daily life, we make a lot of preparations before appearing for any examination. Once thorough with the subject and revisions we appear for the final exam. However, the journey of life is different. Here the examination takes place first followed by preparations on how to deal with the situation. You lose a close one and gradually prepare yourself to live a life in his absence.

The Memories of the past comes alive in the house

(Inspired by authors personal experience of losing his dad a few years back in August)

Once things settle down and everybody at home comes to terms, the real preparation starts. The room where he lived is full of memories. The moment you open the wardrobe the memories of the past come alive. The huge collection of shirts and trousers reminds you of how much he loved wearing branded clothes with blue and grey being his favourite colours.

Reebok and Nike sneakers were his companions during the morning and evening walks. So much was his obsession with sneakers that every 6 months he wanted a new one but was too scared to ask for. Knowing his weakness I ensured he got one every year on a special occasion like birthday or anniversary. His initial reaction though was never a pleasant one and he would reprimand me for wasting money as he already had enough in his collection. However, within his heart, he was happy to get one and it was visible as you could see him wearing it the very next day.

The wardrobe dilemma

I was confused about what to do with his wardrobe collection as it used to bring back his memories.  Donating it to somebody often crossed my mind but knew that mom will never allow it. His shoes, the winter clothing, the belt, and the huge collection of ties everything refreshed memories from the past. How can I get rid of his favourite shoe that he loved so much? His thick leather wallet full of visiting cards and a small telephone diary reminded of him. Often it seemed that he will just enter the room and ask mom where she has kept his wallet.

The briefcase with his bank documents and passbooks would stand in a corner as if waiting for his master to come and open it. I lacked the courage to open it knowing that the photos in Aadhar and his driving license will just make him come alive in my memories. I often told him to start operating his account through net-banking but being from the old school he preferred visiting the bank personally to get his passbook updated.

Every May he would remind me to get in touch with the accountant to file his Income Tax return. There were times when he would calculate the tax himself and deposit the difference all by himself in the bank.  For the last 4 years, I have been filing my Income tax return without him and it seems as if one day he will call me from his room asking to do the same for him.

The Chair on the dining table brings alive the memories of the past

While having dinner on the dining table we still leave the chair occupied by him empty. It seems that everybody in the family is waiting for him to come and join. The day my spouse or mom cook one of his favourite dishes, it becomes the point of discussion. The grandson will remember how granddad used to love feasting on aloo, poori, and halwa despite his diabetes. On the other hand, the granddaughter would remember how he used to argue with her saying all lawyers are frauds.

The kitchen doesn’t get any surprise visits during the night. The refrigerator standing in one corner of the kitchen misses the midnight explorer who would open the door silently and gulp down the sweets. On being questioned by mom the next day morning about who finished off the sweets, he would just keep quiet.

The Television in his room has gone silent

So much was his interest in news that television would be playing one of the channels. On being told to lower the volume, he would do it reluctantly. But within a few minutes, the volume was back at the same level. There are times when I wish to hear the same cacophony of the news channels from his room but alas the TV has gone silent.

He was very passionate about cricket and hockey. Dhoni was his all-time favourite. Maybe he saw a reflection of himself in Dhoni as a guy from a small town making big. Dhoni’s retirement would have been a big setback for him but probably Dhoni also chose a period to retire when he is not there anymore.

You can read more such stories on my blog by clicking on the link below:

In the Journey of Life it is always difficult to say goodbye

My Papa is the best and will always remain the best