The Family in our life that knows all even without the Crystal ball

In the family ecosystem of every Indian family, there is one family that we can call as the “Know all family”. This is a family that everybody in the family is scared of. The moment they land up at your home, you know it is time to get tuition on all subjects under the sky. Every family member gets a bundle of free advice whether he needs it or not.

This “Know all family” is a blessed family and has been rewarded by God. They are the proud owners of anything under the sun you can think of. An apartment in the poshest locality of the city, a driveway that looks more like a showroom of Mercedes and Land Rover, kids studying in the topmost school. There are times when you feel why this inequality in the family when both the families share the same sir name.

Normally the way this family is linked to your family is that they are either your Bua-Phupha or Mausi-Mausa or a distant Aunt-Uncle. So let’s see how this family creates an atmosphere of terror when they land up at your house.

The family lands up at an opportune time

The family I am talking about is a family that is gifted with the timing factor. They know when lunch or dinner is being served at your place and will land up just before an hour. As a courtesy, which all Indian family extends to their guest, you ask them to join for lunch or dinner. And yes they don’t take more than a second to think. The first sign that they are joining for either lunch or dinner is when they pull out the dining chair. And most of the time the dining chair which they occupy is the one normally occupied by you or your wife. Your wife is stressed as she has just prepared a normal day meal and it may not be sufficient for all.

Every dish which is served is relished by them. And let me add to it. They are such sleek and sycophant characters that they will ask you for the recipe of the dish. You share it with them assuming that one day you will be invited to their place for lunch or dinner where you will get to taste your recipe cooked by a different chef. But unfortunately, that day still has to come.

The family has travelled the world and is a living encyclopedia of all places

This gifted family has travelled the world over and knows most of the places. By God’s blessing, your family gets a chance to visit a nearby place like Thailand. You are planning a vacation with your entire family in Bangkok, Pattaya, and Phuket. Wife and kids are excited as this is their 2^nd or 3^rd international vacation.  Your wife mentions the upcoming vacation trip to Thailand to this family in a casual chat over the phone. And the very next day this family lands up at your home.

They are looking for their next victim. Since you have planned an international vacation, they land up at your doorstep to share experiences of their umpteenth trip to Thailand. Your son opens the door and greets them with a fake smile. A fake smile which is worse than the fake news on WhatsApp. You and your wife end up attending to them as kids retire to their bedroom after greeting them.

The Knowledge session on the vacation

The torture session starts for you and your wife. You are given lessons on what places to visit, which property to stay, what to eat etc. A question is thrown to you on which hotels you are planning to stay. On listening to the hotel names, they just grin indicating that the places don’t even figure in their top 10 list to stay. Free lessons are given on what to eat especially the best of Chinese and Thai joints. Your wife, in all innocence, makes a mistake of checking with them on an Indian joint.  And hell breaks loose!  You are told that when in Thailand behave like a local. Eat seafood and don’t even dare to think of dosa and idly. Your wife who is a vegetarian starts doubting whether they should think of another destination?

As soon as they leave, the kids appear from the room questioning both you and your wife on who told them about the Thailand trip. Mother sheepishly raises her hand knowing very well what the kids would like to tell her “Mom so many times we have told you not to share with them about our plans”.

A wining and dining session with the “Know all family”

In spite of family resistance (read kids) you want to maintain harmonious relations with the family and so invite them over dinner. The session starts with a round of drinks. You offer the best scotch whisky in your collection. Ladies are offered Indian white wine called “Sula”. But then you are told that this is not what you should be drinking as a whisky connoisseur. The “Know all family” only drinks 12-year-old single malt and when it comes to wine, nothing less than the sparkling wine from Bordeaux.

Your wife serves some exotic snacks from chicken tikka to veg cutlets. But this learned family initially avoids it. They prefer chicken wings as it has no cholesterol and cutlets made in olive oil. The wife even gets a piece of advice on how she can make the green cucumber and tomato salad, even more, healthier by adding celery leaves and feta cheese.  An hour after and  you realise that the entire snacks have been gulped down and there are no leftovers.

Seeing their tantrums you just recollect the last dinner you had at their place. In the name of Single malt, you were served an IMFL (Indian made foreign liquor) on the pretext that they had just run out of stock. As wine was in the process of getting matured in Bordeaux, your wife was served a replacement drink; vodka with orange juice. The snacks were ordered from the neighborhood Lazeez shop which you ended up eating after soaking the dripping oil in 2-3 tissues (so much for the olive oil tuition).

The Knowledge session from the educated ones

This is one session your kids hate the most. Every time the “Know all family” lands up at your place they have a round of session with your kids. Preparation for coming exams and career plans are few of the discussion points. The kids fear this counseling session more than the counseling at school.

Just like an average Indian family, your kids are hard-working and studious but not from Einstein’s family. Kids are given examples of how they should prepare for their 12th board or engineering entrance exams. They invite kids to their home so that they can come and learn from their son on how he cracked IIT.

The only thing the “Know all family” will never understand is the meaning of the word modesty. Human beings are God-fearing but every time you see this family you become “Guest fearing”.

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